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Previously on Call Me Fitz...
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Thanks to you,
Edith Kinkman,
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president of the Coverton's
Ladies Auxilary,
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the most powerful
women's group in town,
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is dead.
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Think of the good times,
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like that moment
of happiness seven months ago
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00:00:29,638 --> 00:00:31,074
when you and Richard...
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OH MY GOODNESS!
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You win the election,
you make me City Manager.
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Yeah, but that's the job
those drones
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give their old war buddies -
their friends.
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Well,
that makes rule one easier,
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because friends don't sleep
with friends' friends.
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Or their enemies.
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You locked Coverton's
most prominent journalist
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in the trunk of a car?
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My article is finished
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and so is your
political career!
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You sent Melody's car
to the crusher!
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For fuck sake,
put her down!
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If you have a chance
of winning this election,
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it's by doing the same thing
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that got you here
in the first place.
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Being yourself!
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I'm gonna own up
to every scandal,
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every bad thing
I've ever done.
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Because I'm
Richard Fitzpatrick,
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the last honest man.
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[♪]
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Honesty.
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Who fucking knew?
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Two weeks before
the election,
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and everything
is coming up Fitz.
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Everyone loves me:
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The unwed mothers looking
for a little support-
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The small business owners
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trying to earn an honest buck-
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The civil liberties crowd.
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These are my people-
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The immoral majority.
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And I, Richard
Fucking Fitzpatrick,
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owe it to them to
tell it like it is...
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I'm riding this
honesty bullshit
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all the way to City Hall.
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The whole truth
and nothing but.
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That is what I promise you.
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Why? Because I am
the last honest man.
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The Summerwind, baby.
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Nothing can stop me now...
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If you're so honest,
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where have you been
the last 25 years, Dad?
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[♪]
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You can't fool me, kid.
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I'm the king of the shakedown.
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So, cut to the chase.
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How much to make you go away?
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I don't want your money.
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I'm on a full
academic scholarship.
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Then what do you want?
Women? Men?
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I'll make some calls.
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I want you to know
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the pain you put
my Mom through.
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It's not my fault some
broad forgot her safe word.
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Is that all Linda
O'Neill was to you?
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Some broad?
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Linda... Linda...
Blonde?
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Always asking for
rides and money?
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She wanted you to drive
her to Planned Parenthood.
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And cover half the bill.
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Right...
Miss Clingy.
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You ruined her life!
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She had to drop out
of school to raise me.
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And then you denied
my existence.
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I didn't deny it.
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I never knew.
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What about all those
requests for child support?
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Look, this is a misunderstanding.
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Give me a few days
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and I'll sort this shit out.
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You had over twenty-five
years to sort it out.
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Tomorrow, I tell the world
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how honest Richard
Fitzpatrick really is.
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Fuck.
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We've got to shut
this little twerp up.
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You might not be able
to see it right now,
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but there is a silver
lining to this dark cloud.
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What silver lining?
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A secret kid kind of undercuts
our honesty platform.
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Not if Richard honestly
didn't know about him-
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I honestly didn't
know about him.
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And declares publicly
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that he is ready to welcome
Barry into his life.
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I'll declare shit.
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I mastered the
art of the pullout
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long before that little
bastard was conceived.
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A paternity test will
clear this whole mess up.
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Or you can become the
dad Barry never had
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and show the voters that
Richard Fitzpatrick
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is more than an
alcoholic party boy.
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He is an alcoholic party boy
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slash loving family man!
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Dot's idea is easier.
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It's a Wurlitzer.
It's worth forty.
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But I'll let it go
for thirty-nine.
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Thirty-eight is
my final offer.
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Thirty-five.
Thirty.
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Cheap son of a bitch.
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What the fuck are
you doing here?
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We can't open Meghan
Fitzpatrick Motors
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without the secret ingredient.
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Meghan
Fitzpatrick!
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Maybe I wasn't clear
about the arrangement.
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You'll be a silent partner,
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emphasis on "shut
the fuck up."
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But you said that
you needed me.
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That you should have
partnered with me
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instead of Richard.
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That I've always secretly
been your favorite.
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I never said
any of that.
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I'll tell you one
thing you did say-
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Go play in traffic?
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The only people you
can trust are family.
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One day, Daddy,
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you're going to want a real
relationship with me...
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or at least someone to
change your adult diaper.
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And what are you going
to do if I'm gone?
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Dance a fucking jig.
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Look at this place, Richard.
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Impressionable youngsters
yearning for learning,
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we should 'Rock the Vote!'
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I'd like to teach
her somethin'.
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Hey darlin', would you like
to earn some extra credit?
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Actually, a lot of credit.
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Wow, you made a
sexual euphemism
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out of a simple sentence.
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That was so smart.
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I bet it impresses
all the ladies
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down at the assisted
living facility.
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This guy bothering
you, Natalie?
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And now here's Barry
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with his outdated
ideas of gender roles.
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I was only trying to help.
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Oh, Barry, please
defend my honor
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by kicking
grandpa's pervy ass.
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While I kick yours
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by winning the Felcher Watt.
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You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
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If so, can I watch?
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What are you doing here?
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[gasp]
Is that...?
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Oh, look at you two.
A spitting image.
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He has your eyes.
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Guys!
Cheese!
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Who's the creepy uncle?
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I'm a very important part
of your father's life.
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Alleged father.
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And I brought him here for
some long overdue bonding.
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With baseball mittens!
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Guys?
Maybe later.
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What is this, a photo-op?
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Some lame attempt
at political spin?
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I'll level with you, Kid.
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We came here to steal
a DNA sample off you
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to prove you're not a Fitz.
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Classy guy.
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You want my DNA?
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A travel toothbrush?
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I told you
he's not mine.
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What do I get?
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Barry, I promise you,
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if this test proves
Richard is your father,
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he will make a public
apology to you and your Mom-
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Since fucking when?
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As long as you give
him a chance to prove
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he's not the heartless narcissistic
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womanizing predator your
mother made him out to be.
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Let's get it over with.
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Twenty-five years I've
waited for this moment.
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To give me a used toothbrush?
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To ruin your life
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as much as you ruined mine.
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How many deadbeat dads
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do you think get
elected to city council?
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That's so cute.
Now let's go bond, you guys!
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Bond! Bond!
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Mechanic!
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The carburetor
in that Civic
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still chokes the
engine like the leash
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of western imperialism
chokes our homeland.
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Kind of busy here, guys.
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This has been your
excuse for many weeks.
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What could be more important
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than customer
service and profits?
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How about the fate
of the free world, assholes?
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[whimpering]
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00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,788
I am concerned for
the hairy one.
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00:08:04,788 --> 00:08:07,008
All he does is stare
at his mobile device.
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00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,705
We should help him.
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00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:11,055
Perhaps give him ice cream.
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If I learned one thing
from my time with Meghan,
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it is the mood altering
effect of frozen treats.
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When the camel is lame,
we shoot the camel.
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That is our way.
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We also eat the camel.
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We are Pashtun.
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We never depend on outsiders.
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Why are you so obsessed
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with upholding traditions
that are clearly ineffective?
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Josh brings much
needed capital
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to our failing enterprise.
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I forbid you from contact
with the cadet from space.
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Eh-eh!
Do I make myself clear?
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00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,259
Yes cousin...
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00:08:41,259 --> 00:08:42,347
Good.
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00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:53,707
Thanks, sweet knees.
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You hang out here?
218
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It's my home away from home.
219
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Your home must be
a real shithole.
220
00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:02,280
Hey!
Dot's on her way to the clinic
221
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,718
with your toothbrush
and your...
222
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:06,284
semen sample.
223
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:08,286
They test DNA off
saliva, you know.
224
00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:09,984
I don't want to
take any chances.
225
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,073
So, Barry, tell
us about yourself.
226
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:13,640
How's school?
227
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,032
Are you dating?
228
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:19,123
There might be someone...
229
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,082
Girlfriends are for homos.
230
00:09:21,082 --> 00:09:22,605
You're in college.
Play the field.
231
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,041
Experiment.
232
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:25,129
Yeah.
233
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:26,653
Maybe I can experiment
234
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,698
with getting some girl
pregnant and then ditching her.
235
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Thumbs up.
236
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:31,614
Holy shit.
237
00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,529
It is true.
238
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:36,097
You actually produced a
kid that isn't a mutant.
239
00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:37,620
You're not a mutant, are you?
240
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:38,969
I'm a scientist.
241
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:40,275
Well, la de da.
242
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,669
Call me when you've split
the atom, Dr. Freud.
243
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,540
Maybe then I'll be impressed.
244
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,716
Larry, the idea is to not
tell the whole fucking world.
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00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,065
Richard, this is family.
246
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,980
Ken, I'd like you
to meet Barry.
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00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,634
Barry, this is Ken.
248
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:54,028
Call him grandpa.
249
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:56,987
Call me Mr. Fitzpatrick.
250
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:59,860
Barry, you say
you're a scientist?
251
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,905
What field are you working in?
252
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:04,604
I'm doing my doctorate
in medical nanotechnology.
253
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,996
You want my advice?
254
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,519
Not at all.
255
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:08,912
Fuck that shit.
256
00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:11,001
The real money's in quality
pre-owned automobiles.
257
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:13,264
If you're ever looking
for a new career...
258
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:20,837
What a coccydynia.
259
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:25,450
It means he's a
pain in the ass.
260
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:26,974
Got that right, kid.
261
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:28,715
You do have one thing in common.
262
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:30,368
You both hate your
biological fathers!
263
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:31,935
Fuck off, Larry.
264
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,683
Take a number.
265
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,367
Dot...
Foxley, isn't it?
266
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,021
Mmmm.
267
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:15,065
Ali Devon.
268
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:21,681
You've been
waiting long?
269
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,117
Just got here.
270
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,383
So...
271
00:11:28,383 --> 00:11:31,299
Oh.
Genetic compatibility testing.
272
00:11:31,299 --> 00:11:32,648
Oh.
273
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,868
Well, I...
274
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:37,000
hope you pass.
275
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:43,311
Cut the crap, Foxley.
276
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:44,834
What are you really doing here?
277
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:51,188
This may find this hard
for you to believe, Devon,
278
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:54,583
but the entire world
doesn't revolve around you.
279
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:55,976
You think you're the only
one who can throw her legs open
280
00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:58,065
and let someone
poke her uterus?
281
00:11:58,065 --> 00:11:59,370
Oh poor Dot,
282
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:00,894
she couldn't possibly balance
283
00:12:00,894 --> 00:12:02,286
marriage and a
vibrant personal life
284
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:03,635
with a career and motherhood.
285
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:04,636
She'll never have it all.
286
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,334
Not like you.
287
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:08,466
But you've got it all
figured out, don't you?
288
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,773
I guess you're Miss Perfect.
289
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:13,689
No wonder everyone
loves Ali Devon.
290
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:15,256
Well, let me tell you
something, sis--
291
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:17,040
[chime rings]
292
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,009
Wow.
293
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,751
Your dad made you fish
your mom's diaphragm
294
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,187
out of the toilet?
295
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,711
Worst Easter ever.
296
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:38,235
Here you go...
"Son."
297
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:39,541
Thanks...
"Dad."
298
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:40,934
[laughs]
299
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:42,849
What's wrong with
you, fuck sock?
300
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:45,329
Are you drunk
or something?
301
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:47,767
Drunk on this growing
love connection.
302
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,507
Are you some kind of
emotional parasite?
303
00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:51,248
A monkey!
304
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:52,815
Hey, little fella...
305
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,208
What's his name?
306
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:55,644
Magic.
Just leave him alone.
307
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:57,864
Natalie doesn't like people
playing with her baboon.
308
00:12:57,864 --> 00:13:00,518
You share this place
with That Bitch Natalie?
309
00:13:00,518 --> 00:13:02,172
She's not that bad.
310
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:03,434
Hey, buddy.
311
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:04,958
Anyway,
here's where I've spent
312
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:06,611
the last five
years of my life,
313
00:13:06,611 --> 00:13:09,136
perfecting my research.
314
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,702
On how not to get laid?
315
00:13:10,702 --> 00:13:14,315
No...
Suspended in this liquid
316
00:13:14,315 --> 00:13:16,404
are millions of nanobots.
317
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:21,931
Microscopic robots
that work in unison
318
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:24,151
to help humanity.
319
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,980
When I prove they can
prevent acid reflux,
320
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,852
I'm a shooin for the
Felcher Watt Fellowship.
321
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:32,376
If Natalie doesn't
beat me to it.
322
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:33,638
The Felcher what?
323
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:34,770
You've heard of it?
324
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:36,554
Sure, totally.
325
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:37,860
Barry, that's so impressive.
326
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,427
Isn't that right, Magic?
327
00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:41,385
Yes it is.
328
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:44,954
Isn't there already a
cure for acid reflux?
329
00:13:44,954 --> 00:13:46,913
It's not the cure
that matters,
330
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,523
it's the nanotechnology.
331
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:50,264
If I win the grant,
332
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,310
it'll pay my way through
another decade of research.
333
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:56,836
Fucking the system
out of money?
334
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,620
That's my boy.
335
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,883
This career is what my
mother always wanted for me.
336
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,885
I just hope I don't
disappoint her.
337
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,887
So long as you
try your best,
338
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,324
Richard and I will always
be proud of you.
339
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,196
Quit gaying up
the joint, Larry.
340
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:12,547
This calls for a toast.
341
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:15,506
No thank you,
designated driver.
342
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,769
More for me and Barry.
343
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,902
Barry -
seeing what you've done here
344
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,426
makes me so glad
I may or may not
345
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,951
have avoided driving your mom
to the abortion clinic.
346
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:28,563
Me too.
347
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,217
Giddyup.
348
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:31,871
Richard!
That's not alcohol!
349
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,917
My nanobots?
350
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,266
[belch]
351
00:14:36,266 --> 00:14:38,703
Five years of research
352
00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:40,488
down your intestinal tract?
353
00:14:40,488 --> 00:14:41,968
No great loss.
[belch]
354
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:43,099
They don't work very well.
355
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:47,190
[groans]
356
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:54,632
[stomach gurlges]
357
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:57,113
Richard, this isn't how
you should deal with your guilt.
358
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:58,810
You made a mistake.
Now it's time to fix it.
359
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,334
What guilt?
360
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,249
Dot's on her way to the
paternity lab for the results.
361
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,512
Whether Barry is your
biological son or not,
362
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,296
he needs you now
more than ever.
363
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:07,428
You have to help him out.
364
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:08,951
It's the responsible
thing to do.
365
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,387
You help him.
366
00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:11,954
You're the one who thought
I could be a good father.
367
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,695
Which means you're the one
who fucked up here.
368
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,479
Nice work, ass crust!
369
00:15:15,479 --> 00:15:16,959
You know how bad it feels
370
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:18,656
when your father
lets you down.
371
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:20,441
Remember in middle school
372
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,138
when you and Josh
tried to cut an album?
373
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:24,662
And then Ken "accidentally"
taped over it
374
00:15:24,662 --> 00:15:26,490
and never did
anything to apologize.
375
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:27,709
That drunk asshole.
376
00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:29,145
But you're not Ken.
377
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:31,104
You don't wallow in
pity over your mistakes.
378
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:32,453
You take responsibility
for your actions.
379
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:33,933
Since when?
380
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,021
Since you became
Richard Fitzpatrick,
381
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:37,284
the last honest man.
382
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,589
Fuck.
383
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:41,157
You got bolt cutters?
384
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:43,159
I believe I do.
385
00:15:45,205 --> 00:15:46,728
Nothing says sorry, kid
386
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,512
like
some old fashioned sabotage.
387
00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:49,949
Just a thought.
388
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,298
Maybe breaking and entering
389
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:52,821
isn't the solution to
all of life's problems.
390
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,040
It's not, Larry.
But sabotage is.
391
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,650
Destroying That Bitch
Natalie's research
392
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:57,304
will level the playing field.
393
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,747
Okay, little buddy.
Fuck off.
394
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:10,186
What's the matter with you, huh?
395
00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:12,188
Who knew a medical test animal
would be too sick to move?
396
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,798
I've got just the thing
to perk him up.
397
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:15,148
You can't give him your drugs.
398
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,193
Relax, Larry.
I didn't pay for 'em.
399
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:18,412
There you go, buddy.
400
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:19,587
Come on...
401
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,198
Go on, take it.
402
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:29,684
[grunting]
403
00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:31,773
Merry Christmas, Barry.
404
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:41,696
Josh?
405
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:44,742
I have brought you a treat.
406
00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:46,396
Something to cheer you up.
407
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,315
No! No!
408
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:55,536
I assure you,
409
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:56,711
there will not be
seventy virgins
410
00:16:56,711 --> 00:16:58,930
awaiting you in paradise.
411
00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:01,890
What are you talking about?
412
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,718
God does not approve of
committing suicide...
413
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,328
without an explosion.
414
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,026
This isn't suicide.
415
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,289
This is Optimo Primo.
416
00:17:09,289 --> 00:17:12,857
The car that turns into a bong.
417
00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:15,860
When I saw you,
I thought the worst.
418
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:19,386
I'm just having
one of those days.
419
00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:20,691
A Wednesday?
420
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:23,912
No! You know those
days when you wake up
421
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,088
and realize Fitz has cut
you out of his campaign,
422
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:29,483
and you're still waiting for
a call from your handler,
423
00:17:29,483 --> 00:17:31,920
and you start wondering if you
even have a purpose in life.
424
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,269
I have never woken
up in the morning
425
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:34,705
and thought
those things.
426
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,316
Whenever I'm down,
Fitzie always blazes one with me
427
00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:39,101
and helps put my problems
into perspective.
428
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,366
Would you?
429
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:46,021
If Cousin ever found out...
430
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:49,764
[engine revs]
431
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:50,852
Very well.
432
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:52,549
Really?
433
00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:53,811
Yes!
434
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,074
Optimo Primo assemble!
435
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,120
[makes machine noises]
436
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,428
You gonna get in or what?
437
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:02,777
C'mon, c'mon!
438
00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:15,790
What the hell are you doing?
439
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:18,140
Shredding the
competition's research.
440
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,099
It's not the most
ethical way to help,
441
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,492
but Richard wants you
to achieve your dreams.
442
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:24,190
And you're welcome.
443
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,713
You idiots!
444
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,150
All you've done
is ruin my chances
445
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,109
with the one thing
I actually wanted.
446
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:33,155
A paternal bond with
your biological father?
447
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:35,288
No, you mental defective.
448
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,985
You think it's a coincidence
449
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:39,509
I happen to run into Natalie
around campus?
450
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:41,772
Set up a desk in her lab?
451
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,905
You're stalking
That Bitch Natalie?
452
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:46,342
I told you we just
had to get him laid.
453
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:49,389
Where'd the baboon go?
454
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,739
Do I look like his
social secretary?
455
00:18:51,739 --> 00:18:53,175
He ran out the door.
456
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,916
That's the last we saw of him.
I'm sure he's fine.
457
00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:57,484
He's HIV positive.
He's dying.
458
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:58,789
Dying to party.
459
00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:00,400
I gave him a
little pick me up.
460
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,228
Sildenafil Citrate.
461
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,578
You gave him erectile
dysfunction medication?
462
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,667
I don't need it.
It just enhance my pleasure.
463
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:09,191
We have to get him back!
464
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:15,197
[coughs]
465
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:17,765
This ice cream is
so delicious.
466
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,636
Triple fudge.
467
00:19:19,636 --> 00:19:22,422
Everything should be tripled.
468
00:19:22,422 --> 00:19:24,728
Cousin would
think it decadent.
469
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,904
He and his fatwas.
470
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:28,515
It's always here a fatwa.
471
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:30,081
There a Fatwa.
472
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:31,257
Everywhere a fatwa.
473
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:34,129
[laughter]
474
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,739
I gotta tell you something.
475
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:38,220
But promise you'll
keep this between us.
476
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:42,006
Star and crescent my heart.
477
00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,880
I have a secret past.
478
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,447
I've been under
cover for years.
479
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,275
Operation Blackout.
480
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,059
I'm a sleeper agent.
481
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:52,408
Special Forces.
482
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:53,757
Sweet...
483
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,498
I was reactivated,
484
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:57,152
then told to "hold position."
485
00:19:57,152 --> 00:19:58,675
My C.O. hasn't called since.
486
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,634
I don't know if HQ was hit,
487
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:01,809
if the mission's
been cancelled -
488
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:05,247
or if they're
going to cancel me.
489
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:06,379
With extreme prejudice.
490
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,773
The mass of your predicaments
491
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:12,080
is indeed quite heavy.
492
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,603
But all that matters
493
00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:15,344
is that when the time comes,
494
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,259
you'll be ready.
495
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,826
Yeah...
496
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,654
triple ready.
497
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,351
You just need the
phone to ring.
498
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:25,702
[phone rings]
499
00:20:25,702 --> 00:20:27,269
BOTH: Whoa.
500
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,057
Yeah, yeah.
501
00:20:36,060 --> 00:20:37,366
Agent McTaggart.
502
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,759
Josh, I need you
to come to campus
503
00:20:38,759 --> 00:20:40,761
and take down
an AIDS monkey.
504
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,373
Is it the call?
505
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,245
Close enough.
506
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,377
Rock on, my friend.
507
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:51,772
Or may I call you -
cousin from another race?
508
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:54,731
Yeah!
509
00:20:57,647 --> 00:20:59,214
Good afternoon, everyone.
510
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:00,694
I have a quick announcement.
511
00:21:00,694 --> 00:21:03,174
If any of you
run into a monkey
512
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,915
that answers to the
name of Magic...
513
00:21:04,915 --> 00:21:07,440
...Please contact campus
security immediately.
514
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,442
Do not approach him
under any circumstances.
515
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:11,400
If he tries to approach
you, just say no.
516
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,575
Then go.
And tell.
517
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:13,968
What the fuck did you do?
518
00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:15,970
Good, you heard.
Saves us a trip.
519
00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:18,929
We kind of accidentally
let your monkey escape.
520
00:21:18,929 --> 00:21:21,018
Magic's a baboon,
you hydrocephalic.
521
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:22,629
As for you, you sabotaging
son of a bitch...
522
00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:23,847
It wasn't me, I swear.
523
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:25,066
He's telling the truth.
524
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:26,241
Totally.
It was Larry.
525
00:21:26,241 --> 00:21:27,677
I don't give a
fuck what happened, okay?
526
00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:29,853
I've got five years of my life
invested in Magic.
527
00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:32,987
So find him or I'm turning
you into my test subjects, okay?
528
00:21:32,987 --> 00:21:35,250
Relax.
I've got my best guy on it.
529
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:36,425
[screaming]
530
00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:38,035
Take it easy, people!
531
00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:40,037
It's just one AIDS monkey!
No need to panic!
532
00:21:40,037 --> 00:21:42,562
It's not like there's
a herd of AIDS monkeys or...
533
00:21:42,562 --> 00:21:44,433
Oh, I get it.
534
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:50,352
No, that's not it.
535
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,182
High ground...
536
00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:55,879
Perfect.
537
00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:07,326
[loud grunting]
538
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,762
I promise I will
make this right.
539
00:22:08,762 --> 00:22:10,241
You probably
planned this whole thing.
540
00:22:10,241 --> 00:22:11,765
Holy fuck, it's a monkey!
541
00:22:11,765 --> 00:22:13,244
Whatever you do,
don't look him in the eye!
542
00:22:13,244 --> 00:22:15,246
He'll feel threatened and
he will fuck you in the ear.
543
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:22,732
[screaming]
544
00:22:22,732 --> 00:22:24,386
Go get Magic's travel cage now!
545
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:25,909
Richard, do you have
any more of those pills?
546
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:27,258
He seemed to like those.
547
00:22:27,258 --> 00:22:28,477
He won't trust you.
548
00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:29,696
At least I didn't
give him AIDS.
549
00:22:29,696 --> 00:22:31,001
Just go grab him, numbnuts.
550
00:22:31,001 --> 00:22:33,308
Come on, little guy!
551
00:22:33,308 --> 00:22:35,310
Here, AIDS monkey.
552
00:22:35,310 --> 00:22:37,007
Here, AIDS monkey...!
553
00:22:37,007 --> 00:22:39,445
Here,
AIDS monkey...!
554
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:42,404
Come here, little buddy!
555
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:44,319
Target acquired.
556
00:22:50,281 --> 00:22:51,631
[loud shot]
557
00:22:51,631 --> 00:22:53,110
Hey...
558
00:22:53,110 --> 00:22:54,851
Oh My God!
559
00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:55,983
A SHOOTER!
560
00:22:55,983 --> 00:22:57,463
Don't get your
tits in a knot.
561
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:58,594
It's only a tranq gun.
562
00:22:58,594 --> 00:23:00,030
So that makes it ok?
563
00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:01,205
God, Natalie.
564
00:23:01,205 --> 00:23:02,468
No wonder everyone
thinks you're a bitch.
565
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:15,132
I think I owe you an apology.
566
00:23:15,132 --> 00:23:17,221
For what?
567
00:23:17,221 --> 00:23:19,963
I was being paranoid.
568
00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:22,792
This stupid election.
Chester and Fitz...
569
00:23:22,792 --> 00:23:24,446
I think the campaign
has everyone on edge.
570
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:27,536
Re-evaluating priorities.
571
00:23:27,536 --> 00:23:29,669
- I hope it's good news.
- Thank you.
572
00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:34,804
Ali Devon.
573
00:23:34,804 --> 00:23:37,633
Ah yes,
right here.
574
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:50,472
Aw, fuck me.
575
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:55,216
[groaning]
576
00:23:55,216 --> 00:23:59,525
Gotta get my hands
on that damn dirty ape.
577
00:24:11,624 --> 00:24:12,842
Bang up job.
578
00:24:12,842 --> 00:24:14,496
Want to come
ruin Thanksgiving this year too?
579
00:24:14,496 --> 00:24:16,629
I do like turkey...
580
00:24:16,629 --> 00:24:18,674
[whistling]
581
00:24:18,674 --> 00:24:21,155
Why the fuck did
you shoot Larry?
582
00:24:21,155 --> 00:24:23,113
Sorry, buddy.
583
00:24:23,113 --> 00:24:24,419
I failed you.
584
00:24:24,419 --> 00:24:25,899
It's not a
total failure.
585
00:24:25,899 --> 00:24:27,553
What about my fucking baboon?
586
00:24:27,553 --> 00:24:29,598
He's all horned up
on the medication.
587
00:24:29,598 --> 00:24:31,644
If someone was to
present himself...
588
00:24:31,644 --> 00:24:34,037
Who died and made
you Jane Goodall?
589
00:24:34,037 --> 00:24:37,693
I've hung off every word
you've said for five years.
590
00:24:37,693 --> 00:24:40,174
Every fuck off Barry, every
go to hell, microphallus...
591
00:24:40,174 --> 00:24:41,349
Huh?
592
00:24:41,349 --> 00:24:42,611
It's up to you, Josh.
593
00:24:42,611 --> 00:24:44,004
Lure the little
fucker out here
594
00:24:44,004 --> 00:24:45,527
with your ape-like ass.
595
00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:49,183
I haven't heard those
words since basic training...
596
00:24:49,183 --> 00:24:50,837
There's a cure for
monkey AIDS, right?
597
00:24:50,837 --> 00:24:52,578
Because of you,
there just might be.
598
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,405
Okay... yeah!
599
00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:58,497
Come on, little buddy.
Come on, buddy!
600
00:24:58,497 --> 00:25:00,107
Come on, come on...
601
00:25:00,107 --> 00:25:02,326
Come on,
hurry up.
602
00:25:02,326 --> 00:25:04,677
Is he comin' or what?
603
00:25:04,677 --> 00:25:06,679
Just like basic training.
It's just like basic training.
604
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:11,161
Here he comes, Josh.
605
00:25:11,161 --> 00:25:12,511
I feel his eyes on my ass.
606
00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:16,471
I can feel his beady little
baboon eyes all over me, man.
607
00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:22,129
I don't want to do this anymore!
I don't want to do this anymroe!
608
00:25:22,129 --> 00:25:25,698
Oh God, he's touching me,
bring the cage!
609
00:25:25,698 --> 00:25:27,221
Bring it in!
Bring it in, man!
610
00:25:28,788 --> 00:25:30,441
I can't
hold my position anymore, man.
611
00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:31,486
I'm not going to
hold this anymore.
612
00:25:31,486 --> 00:25:33,662
Go for the fruit!
Go for the fruit!
613
00:25:33,662 --> 00:25:34,968
[sobbing]
Please go for the fruit!
614
00:25:39,233 --> 00:25:41,017
You better buy me
a couple beers for this, pal.
615
00:25:41,017 --> 00:25:42,323
Nice work, soldier.
616
00:25:42,323 --> 00:25:43,411
Thank you, sir.
617
00:25:47,328 --> 00:25:49,939
I swear, setting him
free wasn't my idea.
618
00:25:49,939 --> 00:25:53,464
But now he's back,
safe and sound.
619
00:25:53,464 --> 00:25:54,857
To eventually die from AIDS.
620
00:25:54,857 --> 00:25:56,903
You know, it's too bad
621
00:25:56,903 --> 00:25:59,035
i make it a rule to never
date the competition.
622
00:26:01,516 --> 00:26:03,300
Natalie -
my research is ruined.
623
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:05,041
There's no way I can
win the fellowship now.
624
00:26:05,041 --> 00:26:08,567
So, if you ever need any
help with your project -
625
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,786
You could help me
vivisect him.
626
00:26:12,222 --> 00:26:13,659
Love to.
627
00:26:15,356 --> 00:26:17,227
Oh, hey, Fitz?
628
00:26:17,227 --> 00:26:18,620
Save it, kid.
629
00:26:18,620 --> 00:26:20,187
Throwing away your future
630
00:26:20,187 --> 00:26:23,233
for a chance with the
science department slut?
631
00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:25,540
I don't care what the
paternity tests say,
632
00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:27,760
you're a real Fitzpatrick.
633
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:30,371
Yeah, I never want
to see you again.
634
00:26:30,371 --> 00:26:32,199
Any of you motherfuckers.
635
00:26:34,027 --> 00:26:35,289
Yep.
636
00:26:38,771 --> 00:26:40,381
A real Fitzpatrick.
637
00:26:41,948 --> 00:26:44,646
Great news.
You're not the father.
638
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:49,999
I thought you'd be thrilled.
639
00:26:49,999 --> 00:26:53,176
Yeah, big relief.
640
00:26:53,176 --> 00:26:55,352
Let the press know, will you?
641
00:26:55,352 --> 00:26:57,093
I got shit to do.
642
00:26:57,093 --> 00:27:07,669
[♪]
643
00:27:07,669 --> 00:27:09,628
[mutters]